So for me self-medicating was a huge part of all of the years that I that I spent just engulfed in the trauma experience I was I was in um and so that carried on through that one of the ways that my exploiters or my traffickers controlled me when um I was in that part of my life was was giving me drugs I was really I mean anybody that you give drugs to was very easy to control and so there was so much shame around that piece though of being a drug addict being labeled a drug addict but it was something that I that I did carry through for a little while because it numbed it it numbed the pain I was feeling it numbed the experiences I was having in the midst of all of the abuse um and it just kept cycling though around and around and so you know when I when I was able to exit out of that and I left the drugs behind me then became other things that became the addiction to numb it it became just seeking approval um trying to be the best at my church or in my community wanting that those those accolades not out of Pride but out of proving to myself like that I'm worthy and it then it would go to working I would work hours and hours and hours every week um just to kind of fuel to fuel and to numb those feelings that were coming up from the abuse and I think you know when I really got clear with myself that this wasn't really feeling like a life to me like I was constantly jumping from one thing to another to numb the pain when I can quiet my mind enough to to settle and to sit with myself and that's what I love about yoga yoga has helped me to be in my body and to start to connect with my emotions so that I don't have to numb them anymore I don't have to be afraid of them anymore I don't have to jump into all of these different addictions um like eating was a huge addiction for me disordered eating as a way to control and to numb and I don't have to do that anymore I can I can get quiet with myself and that has to be really intentional and begin to work on that so that I'm not always trying to figure out a way not to feel the things that were coming up and it's a it's a journey again it's not something that's going to happen overnight um I was trafficked for 12 years and so it wasn't something that I just I just automatically picked up and said one day oh I need to I need to lay these things down they were coping mechanisms there were ways to deal with the drama and so being able to look at myself with compassion and being able to settle and to sit with myself to find a way through the addiction to find a way through why am I needing to do this why am I needing to to numb was so important.
